It was early morning that day, and as I was still lying in bed, I wondered if she had changed at all, and if her hair was still dyed. Everyone who wanted us together was definitely disappointed, but you see, who else defines these things except the parties involved? She wanted to leave, she wanted to go her own way without me, and she did. I couldn’t stop her, nor could I keep her by force. Isn’t that right? Besides, when someone wants to leave somewhere, they leave! All the rest of the “I want to leave but I don’t… this and I don’t… that” stuff is just silly excuses that mean one thing: “You don’t want to leave,” or to soften it a bit and not be so absolute: “You’re not ready to leave yet.” She wanted to leave, and she left. Period. So, may he go well and have a great time wherever he chooses to go. As for me, I will find my way, even if everything is confusing for now.
I have always liked black, even though it means mourning for many people. But it also means a person who is closed in on himself and acts as a warning to others with the sign: “Do not approach”. Is that what I wanted too and I wrapped myself in black? On the one hand, I wanted to get rid of black, but on the other hand, I liked it – as I said – as a color and I still like it. Regardless of what I do with this particular color, whether I mourn or not mourn for something, that is my own business. Isn’t that right? It doesn’t concern anyone, except for those I choose to inform them and to get confused along with me since everything is confused.
When I first saw her, she was wearing black, and she told me she was separated. She lived in a basement, but she assured me that she would soon get a divorce, and she opened a jar of jam. I helped her empty it, and after we ended up driving as far away as we could, we parted ways in the sad night, agreeing that this was the best thing for both of us, at least until the situation was clarified. But as I was leaving, I heard her say that we would meet again, even though everything was confusing.
We had met during the economic crisis and unemployment and fortunately I found a job, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to buy her even a coffee. The job was certainly not to my liking but that didn't bother me. What bothered me most was that I didn't "have" this job. I was not interested in carpentry and suddenly I found myself chopping wood. Let alone that one day the axe slipped from my hands and fell right where my foot was. Luckily I caught it and pulled it out. I've cooked spells in the witch's kitchen a thousand times. You're going to ask me now where I know how to cook spells? I don't know, but in the carpentry, my child, I get my hands dirty. Or I could - let's say - become a fisherman and fish from a boat. The thing is, I may have been with many women so far in my life, but now I was alone and at a time when everything was confusing.
The work was tiring and almost every day on my way home I stopped on the way for a beer. So that's where our first meeting took place. There I saw her in the black and I recognized her. She was clearly the center of everyone's attention, because she really was a woman you couldn't miss. But as the crowd slowly thinned out and I prepared to do the same, I saw her standing behind my chair.
"Is it easy for me to know your name?"
I was speechless and where could I find the words to respond? I admit I was at a loss as I realized her eyes were studying the lines of my face and I felt uncomfortable when she bent down to tie my shoelaces.
"But didn't you notice that your laces came undone? Do you want to step on them and fall, my dear?"
She took me to her basement, which was under a staircase, brought two beers from the fridge, and opened a book of poems by a thirteenth-century poet. His words hit me in the chest, and her embrace sent me into even more confusion since everything was already confused.
We stayed there in the basement for a long time until it got dark and the music from the nearby nightclubs started to play. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I was alone and suddenly I found myself in the company of a woman who was wanted by a thousand men but I had her. The air smelled of revolution as if we were in the American South during the slave era and everyone was selling everything they had and didn't have to have her, but I had her and that was the only thing I knew. I had her. But I knew very well that like me, she was also confused in all that was already confused.
All of this impressed me and she understood it.
"You don't have to think about it too much," he told me. "Live in the moment. I know most of the people around you. Some are teachers, some are doctors, some are lawyers, some are clerks, some are carpenters, some are laborers, but they are all just wives. That's all. They are just wives and nothing more. They don't know what to do with their lives. But you're still "on the road," aren't you? You haven't given up on your life, and it shows. I looked at you from a different perspective, but what attracted me most to you is that, like me, you're confused. Am I wrong?"
"Regardless of that, I also know that we will meet again."
"And of course we will meet again. But when everything is clear, because right now everything is confused."
photo StockSnap, https://pixabay.com
