For all those boys (and there are quite a few) who are wondering...
I like Thomas. Not just because he's my cousin – that might be the least of it. I like him because he often reminds me of me when I was younger. But he's smarter, even if he never admits it.
I know all too well his outbursts of anger. I know firsthand how desperate and lonely he feels, especially since my uncle abandoned them.
I, on the other hand, have never seen my own father. He and my mother separated when I was born. I always had my grandfather as a father and comfort.
The day before yesterday, my friend Jan was pissed because his dad was late picking him up from practice. I wanted to tell him: "Shut up, buddy! What can I say when I don't even know what my son's face looks like?" I was speechless.
I don't know if I look like my father, or if I've got his eyes or his hair, his nose or his chin. But what I fucking want to know, more than anything, is if I've got his walk. They say that boys almost always have their father's walk. I don't think mine looks like either my grandfather's or my mother's. But I'm proud of my walk. The football coach says I move lightly and steadily and that I'll be a good "ten". On the field I make feints and maneuvers, I develop speed earlier than everyone else. Do you think my father was like that when he was sixteen?
I'm sorry, to hear – at least once – this: "his father is a scoundrel!" It takes me by the throat when I think about it. And I get angry and feel a rope tightening around my neck... Let alone the fact that I have to do my homework for school. I don't like reading very much. To tell the truth, I don't like it at all. Another reason why I like Tomas. Last week, I had "strained" my mind trying to solve a crap equation we had for homework. He, although two years younger, took one look at it and solved it in a minute. How I would like to rub it in the face of our idiot, our mathematician! "There you go sir, I solved your equation, you've given us enough trouble!", I would tell him...
Of course, we didn't say anything to my mother, each for their own reasons. I don't know what she thinks about Tomas, but I trust him anyway. And I think he wants to trust me too but he's having a hard time. Well, just like I have a hard time with equations...
But I would really like to know if I have taken on my father's footsteps.
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