How often do you want to remove the habits that hurt your relationship or breathe new life into it with a fresh perspective?
When I work with married women, or those in a committed relationship and living together, I often share a simple quote to inspire and boost them: “The Old Me, The New Me.” I tell them to imagine walking into their wardrobe as their old self and stepping out as their new self. It’s light-hearted, but it captures something powerful. This moment marks the decision to stop waiting for change and instead lead it. It’s about becoming the version of yourself your marriage—and your life—has been waiting for.
At some point, to inspire them further, I share a quote from Nikos Kazantzakis, the famous Greek writer, journalist, poet, and philosopher. He wrote, “A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare to cut the rope and be free.” This quote suggests that true enlightenment lies in having the courage to look at darkness with undimmed eyes.
A relationship between two people doesn’t have to be fixed, uninspiring, and defined by routine. It’s a dynamic partnership, a chance to evolve together, continuously learning, transforming, and discovering new depths of joy and intimacy. By shifting how you view your relationship, you stop seeing it as something restrictive and begin to see it as an opportunity for shared growth, a vibrant connection, and renewal.
I want to share one of my many stories that shows how powerful my quote, “The Old Me, The New Me,” can be.
Let’s call her Anna. She came to see me feeling stuck in her relationship. She and her boyfriend were growing increasingly disconnected. After asking her a few questions, I told her that one of the things I often suggest to women—and something that has always worked a little magic—is sending them on a well-planned, meaningful escape.
She laughed and said escapes made her feel even more disconnected. Watching other couples look happy only reminded her of what was missing in her own relationship. Then she added, *“He’s a workaholic. Even when we’re away, he’s glued to his phone. I end up feeling alone.”
Hearing this, I knew we needed a different approach. I asked her to bring her boyfriend to the next session. I don’t always suggest this when working with women, but in her case, it felt necessary.
To cut a long story short, in that session, I explained to them that one of the tools I use in my coaching is designing personalized scenes—little guided experiences—that help couples rediscover joy, fun, and connection. These scenes are built so that the woman leads, but the partner is still an active and essential participant.
Then I laid out the plan. Just explaining it brought excitement to their faces—I could already see a shift before it started.
We began with the idea of a short escape from their usual routine. I gave Anna five hand-picked options to choose from. She picked a secluded cabin in a nature reserve. Then, I gave her a special list of things to gather before they left: new clothes that suited the setting, groceries and drinks, candles, essential oils, two books, and a playlist of carefully chosen music to download.
Before they left, I told them I wanted to see them again after their return and set a specific date and time. I also promised to email them a set of instructions, which they were to print—two copies—and take with them. I made it very clear: every single detail had to be followed. I told them I could tell if they hadn’t—because I always do.
Here’s what the instructions said:
- No laptops allowed.
- Phones had to stay off for the entire four-day trip.
- They had to read to each other twice daily—once in bed, and once on the patio at sunset.
- They would take turns preparing a bath with essential oils, lighting candles, and playing soft music while enjoying a glass of wine.
- No conversations about work or anything else tied to home responsibilities.
- They had to look appealing in each other’s eyes constantly.
- Take turns cooking.
- Give each other massages using essential oils.
- Ask one another to share naughty moments from their childhood.
- Surprise each other with something silly to make the other laugh—a goofy dance, a funny outfit, or a throwback to an amusing memory from when they first met.
- Each would share a dream destination and what they’d love to do there.
- Dance together.
- Feed each other.
- Take turns setting up a romantic evening by the fireplace.
- Write down what they love most about each other.
- Plan a picnic and take turns reading a book aloud outdoors.
We had our follow-up session a week after they returned. I had chosen to wait a whole week on purpose—to give them time to return to everyday life, so I could tell whether the changes they experienced were just a holiday high or if they had truly bonded again.
